“ Well hello my lovelies. Today I bring you a brand new segment...”

“Ahem!”

“Okay, okay. WE bring you a brand new segment, better?”

*nods*

“Our segment is called, quite simply, 'Dear Jasper'. That's right people, our very own agony aunt Jasper Whitlock will be answering all your probing questions from the cure to crippling stomach cramps to why stripes are never a girl's friend.”

*Gem ignores the angry stares that are being thrown her way*

“So here is the deal. Y'all send me your questions to MissGemGem@gmail.com with the subject line: “Dear Jasper”. Then every Monday, this Texan hottie and I will try our best to answer you and maybe even solve a problem or two. So go ahead and hit us with your best! As this is our first segment we have a couple of trial questions, just to test out The Major's skills. *snickers*. So Jasper, you ready to go?”

“Give it to me.”

“Gladly, but let's answer some questions first, 'kay?”

*Gem gives a cheeky smile and Jasper teasingly lick his lips*

“Okay, so our first question is from ' Hopeless For Jas' and she asks...My boyfriend broke up with me when I told him that I would leave him for you in a heartbeat. Should I be sad? Because I'm not. Well, I'm not sad over my boyfriend, but I AM sad that I'm not currently sitting on your face.”

*Jasper lets out a small laugh*

“So, words of advice?”

“First of all, the only woman who takes up the seat of honor, is my wife. Secondly, if you aren't sad, he clearly wasn't the one for you. Move on, find your mate but sorry darlin', it ain’t me.”

“Ooooookay. Moving swiftly on. Our next question is from 'Edward's Forever', she asks :- Jasper, why do you think so many love Edward more than you? What would you do differently in Twilight, if you had your way?.... Your thoughts?”

*Jasper shrugs slightly*

“Edward enjoys playing up to the Romeo persona. He is a fan of the big romantic gestures and treats a lady like a lady, what woman wouldn't enjoy that? I think Edward is easier to put up on the pedestal and worship. My flaws are much clearer to see, quite literally. We each have our different styles but I ask a simple question. Would you rather be laid softly on to silk sheets and made love to, or have your hair wrapped around my hand and given a sharp tug before I fuck you until you scream?”

*Gem chokes slightly and wonders if the question was rhetorical or not*

“As for Twilight? If I had my way, Bella would have been one of us from the get-go. That or lunch.”

*Jasper gives a nonchalant shrug*

“A little harsh, don't you think?”

“Perhaps, so be glad it was Edward's decision and not mine.”

“Okay, we have another question. Dear Jasper, Do you prefer completely bare or a little bit of hair? Sincerely, Standing In The Wax Aisle At Walgreens.”

“Stay in line.”

“So, bare?”

*Jasper gives a smug smile and nods*

“Our next question comes from 'Harried And Hopeful', she asks:- Jasper, if you had your chance to be with Bella, or a middle-aged woman with experience and no fear of being ridden like a horse, which would you choose.”

“Each has its merits. There is a lot to be said for a blank slate, start a fresh and the ability to become a very dedicated teacher.... However, I think experience and a very open mind is always a winner, although I prefer to be the one ridden like a horse.”

“Noted. So we have one final question and it comes from 'Fanatical Lover of Jasper', she asks: If I kill Alice, will you marry me and be my mate?”

*Jasper lets out a growl and stands up, knocking the chair over behind him*

“I think we are done here.”

“Woah, wait!”

*Gem reached out and grabs Jasper's arm causing him to snarl and sending a shiver of delight down her spine*

“It was just a question, come on, calm down. I am sure she meant no harm, maybe just trying to be funny.”

*Jasper leans close, taking stock of Gem's emotions and he smirks before whispering in her ear*

“Call me when you have some more questions.”

*Gem lets out an embarrassing moan and fights the urge to hump, beg and plead to save a horse. Jasper gives a small wink and squeezes Gem's shoulder lightly as he walks out of the room*

“Um, yeah. *fans self*. So, remember we will be back next Monday so send us your questions, whatever you have been dying for The Major to answer. MissGemGem@gmail.com with the subject line 'Dear Jasper'. Go on... you know you want to!”