Jaspers Darlin's: Dear Jasper

Hey there, peeps. Sad to say, I've been under the weather lately and left this segment until the last minute. Luckily, Jasper has been here nursing me back to health (read: providing massive amounts of love and orgasms) and we managed to turn this out pretty damn quick. Once I get this post up, I'm going to bed with my nice fluffy pillow and some NyQuil while Jasper lulls me to sleep and gives me sexy dreams. So, read on for this week's advice!

Dear Jasper,

My boyfriend recently left me and then decided to come back. Since he came back I have been developing these strange yearnings for his brother. Should I leave the controlling brother for the hot Major? Or should I deny my feelings and be stuck with the stuffy brother?

Sinfully yours,
Ugly Duckling

Dear Ducky,

So… let me get this straight: Your assmonkey boyfriend LEFT you… and then he waltzed back into your life and now he wants you back? Darlin’, are you a plaything? Because right now, you’re kinda lookin’ like a yo-yo to me.

Now, quite frankly, I’m more inclined to like this Major fellow, whom you’re apparently lusting after (and yeah, I’ve totally felt that shit, babe…). I mean, when you think about it, I—I mean HE—didn’t leave you… nor did I—I mean HE—waltz back in and expect shit to go back to normal. On top of that, I meant what I said in Phoenix, so maybe you should take that into consideration.

So, here’s my advice: dump the prima donna and ride off into the sunset with the Major. I think he’s the right guy for you.

P.S. I know you’re really a Swan, not even remotely as ugly as you claim.

Passionately,
Jasper

Dear Jasper,

My best friend is a shopaholic freak who always drags me to the stores with her and makes me try on things I would never choose in a million years. Then she buys them for me and tries to guilt me into wearing them. I love her to death and hate hurting her feelings as she does so much other good stuff for me. My question is: How do I tell her that I don't want to shop with her anymore without hurting her feelings? I mean, when she's happy it makes me happy and vice versa, I just don't know how to make it stop.

Thanks,
Pushover Pansy

Dear Push,

The last sentence of your letter should tell you all you need to know. If she’s happy, you’re happy, and vice versa. The point of having a best friend is that you know you can always be HONEST with the person. So, I suggest you be honest. Sit her down, and explain calmly what you’ve already explained to me. Don’t point fingers or lay blame, and remember that her feelings may be hurt but what you have to say. If she’s truly your best friend, she’ll understand.

Conservatively,
Jasper