Jaspers Darlin's

Dear Jasper


Hey all! So due to some RL issues, Gem's on a break from the blog and I'm covering Dear Jasper for her. Now, as much as I love and respect Gem, the Major and I came to an understanding that we'd go our own way. Jasper and I work much better together when we express our opinions in a safe, caring environment. Since the Major's got the psych degree and I've got the mad typing skills and the ability to make him say what he really thinks, we've decided to make our Dear Jasper more like a Dear Abby. Mostly, we don't want to step on Gem's toes, so we figured it'd be easier for her to take her segment back to her own style when she returns, as opposed to trying to catch up on anything I interviewed Jazz about.

As it turns out, Jasper and I had a great time hanging out in his room, answering questions--the Major has a VERY comfy bed for someone who doesn't need to sleep. Just sayin'. Anyhow, here are the questions we decided to answer this week:

Dear Jasper,

My boyfriend is a douchemonkey. He never lets me go anywhere alone and has no problem making decisions for me. He even dismantled my truck so I couldn't visit a friend of mine. He says it’s because he loves me and only wants to keep me safe, but I'm starting to think he's just a complete idiot with severe control issues. Am I wrong or should I move on?

Confused in Forks

Dear Confused,

Wow, Darlin’. That’s all I can say. I’m almost certain your assessment that your boyfriend is a douchemonkey is as near to the truth as a sweet, innocent like you can get. Now, don’t get me wrong here, because I know that there was a good reason for dismantling the truck, but I don’t think it was right that he took it that far. The thing about relationships is that, in order for them to work, they have to be based on trust. So I pose this question to you: Do you trust your boyfriend, and does he trust you? If he doesn’t trust you to make your own decisions, that will not change. You need to decide now if sparkly things will make up for the lack of trust and disrespect he obviously shows you. Once you have that answer, you’ll know how to proceed.


Dear Jasper,

There's this boy I love. He's quite possibly the most beautiful person in the world. The problem is that I am also a boy and I'm not sure how to tell him I love him. I think he might feel the same way but he's my best friend and it would be awkward if I'm wrong. Please help?

Confused in My Own Skin

Dear Confused,

THAT is what one would refer to as a conundrum. For help with this, I had to go to my bronze-haired brother and ask him to lend me the use of his Gay-dar. He offered three suggestions to help you with your quandary:
1) Rent any movie with Judy Garland and see if he’ll watch it with you.
2) Rent gay porn and put it in a straight porn case, then suggest you watch it and feign surprise when it turns out to be gay porn. If he still wants to watch it, obviously he’s interested.
3) Kiss him, you fool! Kiss him!
Hope this helps. If not, write me back and we’ll get together so I can pump him full of lust when you’re around and see what we can do about it.


If you need advice, be sure to e-mail me at VegaTenshi@gmail.com, and Jasper will put his magic to work to solve your problems!


Holy crap, that was hysterical. Such good advice Major!

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